So I'm pretty sure I need to stop drinking to get drunk. I don't really know the person I become. But apparently, she kinda sucks. I need to work on a lot of other things too. Early new years resolution...

I hadn't done one of these since 2007

1.What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
I had never taken a semester off from school, or worked ina restaurant
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I have no idea what mine was. My resolution for next year is to be happy.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no one close, Thank God

5. What countries did you visit?
I didn't visit any

5 1/2. What states did you visit?
None

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A drama free existence

7. What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 4th, I had a really nice fourth of july in Larkspur and in the city

September 14th, finally legal to drink

4/20- So close to Britney

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having four jobs, and selling 100,000 dollars
9. What was your biggest failure?
rather not say

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The wound, and my eight million flus

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my purse

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my own

13. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my besties

14. Where did most of your money go?
clothing, eating out, alcohol

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
my 21st birthdayyy

16. What songs will always remind you of 2009?
Just Dance-Lady Gaga

TikTok- Ke$ha

Use Somebody-Kings of Leon

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
Happier
ii. thinner or fatter?
thinner
iii. richer or poorer?
richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
spending time with Gab and Bailey

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
crying, attempting to save my relationships

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
already did

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
yes

23. How many one-night stands?
1

24. What was your favorite TV program?
gossip girl, criminal minds

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate anyone. I'm trying to not hold any grudges.

26. What was the best book you read?
men are from mars women are from venus

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Kings of Leon, Ke$ha (jk)

28. What did you want and get?
all these clothes, success

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
the hangover

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
21, and we went to guaymas, and then we all went out to circa the week later
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if I wasn't on bad terms with someone who means alot to me

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
fur, studs, rider boots, and sparkles

34. What kept you sane?
besties, being home

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
BRITNEYYYYYYYYYY

oh and for celeb crushes matt damon and still ryan phillipe

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
when i realized that politics dont matter and that its all run by the same crooks

37. Who did you miss?
nicole and john

38. Who was the best new person you met?
khadijah

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
if something is broken, you cant fix it
40. What's your favorite song of 2009?
revelry-kings of leon

41. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Wake up in the morning feeling like pdiddy!

I honestly cant believe what I have to go through when I tell my parents the truth... dun dun dun... I'm picking my friend up from the airport. I have honestly been screamed at and harassed for 3 days straight because I refused to lie to them that I would in fact be doing it. I will not make someone ride on the airporter when they are coming to visit me. I can't believe how they don't understand that making someone enter a strange city and take a bus costing 20 dollars to visit me... isn't rude? and that I'm in trouble cause I won't let them. I am still so embarassed by all the times I let them win before in terms of that. When Casey would come out to see me and they would make him take it. I can't believe how much I've been harassed for trying to do the right thing. I could honestly cry right now. I was woken up at 1:30 am to be yelled at about it.

Wearing dark glasses...

It's 3 am and tomorrow is my first day off since wednesday. Unfortunately, I have a final tomorrow in chemistry. II haven't really had restful sleep in two months. I'm stressing. Not really because of the open book exam, but I think I'm really fearful about going back to San Diego. I really haven't talked to many people there or in depth and it seems that the only people awaiting my arrival are guys. My whole openneess to the male gender is really leaning towards platonic feelings at the moment. After the last few months, I can't really imagine wanting anything with anyone else at the moment. Funny thing is, I don't think others see that from me, the whole vast void that takes place at the dinner date conversations . It's just not there for me at the moment with these new suitors but I'm not going to say that when someone is putting in the effort to care. I just go along, smile, and make up some excuse of why I have to be home that night.

Its that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see that person, thats missing. Its that one person that is there and the days you can't cry, they say anything and there are floodgates. It's either there or it isn't and it feels like a lie when you know you have those feelings for someone else when you are sitting on a date with someone who is paying for your meal. You play along and smile through your teeth and try and avoid the intruding thoughts of that someone who doesn't have those lingering feelings for you. So how do you cope? This is what you're supposed to do, fake it til you make it. Thats what everyone around me wants me to do. It makes it easier for everyone involved. Say a prayer for the pretender.

Today, I worked til 11:30 pm. Suprisingly, it was one of my better days of work. I had very easy customers, good friends there, and not much time spent with some of the other associates who are not very nice people. Anyway, the reason I am writing is because I spent about a half hour talking to our sixty plus old maintenance worker, Adolfo. I spoke in Spanish to him and he spoke in English to me, really trying to learn about our life stories and tenses. Adolfo, is a native of Lima, Peru, who came to US seven years ago to afford tuition for his three daughters college tuitions.He came here because he had reached retirement age and could no longer work overtime which granted him the amount of three salaries verses one. He was a member of the Peruvian airforce, had trained in Paris, in French, to learn how to be a mechanic on military jets. Today, he is the hardest worker constantly working manual labor picking up trash and moving hangers. The worst part, is most people ignore or pretend not to see Adolfo. He works harder and is outwardly kind to everyone, and he is being taken advantage by those with no work ethic and very little education. Obviously, the American dream allows for him to be able to own a home and make more than he did in his own home country, to be able to afford three college tuitions. However, my recommendation from the week is to look beyond exteriors, and make the effort to get to know people, especially the numerous Spanish speakers in our area. It may just inspire you to make the most of our positions.

i'm working on being more positive and spreading good karma....

we'll see how that goes

I guess my anxiety must be back now. I've been feeling it for at least the last month... I feel nauseus all the time and on the verge of tears. I'm not sure what to do or how to get rid of it, or if theres anyway to fix it. All I do when I'm home is sleep and stress about things I most definitely can't control. I just wish I was in the same position as a few months back or maybe in a few months forward but right in this place I'm at a lack for words. Everything just feels really hollow and scary and intense. Where do I go from here?

I can't believe I cried in public.... I am ridiculously lame

Where the Wild Things Are

The past five months that I've returned home has been overall a very positive experience for me.  They say college is where you emerge and find who you are and where you question your boundaries. For me coming home has been both cathartic and condusive to learning about who I am and who I want to become. Since I've been home, I've really been surrounded by some of the best people, especially many people who are completely different from who I am. Those people with completely difference experiences, goals, socioeconomic backgrounds, sexual preferences and family relationships have taught me that it is the shared commonalities of hardwork, love for one another, and desire to please spans across all walks of life and all people. I know I "knew" this before, but sometimes my attempts to shelter myself from something obscure or that couldn't be categorized into my neatly arranged subcompartments of my brain were thrown by the wayside. It is the people here, one in particular, that really questioned why and how I was making my judgments about people I never got the chance to know. I have made so many friends and rekindled so many acquaintances in high school that I had never attempted to get to know,  and created this warm cozy and completely different environment from what I had at USD. 

Another thing is that I have really connected with nature. Ok, so I'm not going to go camping in the near future. But honestly, before my time here I wouldn't walk along anything but a paved road unless it was on the beach. Maisey and I have been journeying alone into the hills of Tenessessee Valley, which I hadn't even seen since I was a child and dragged out there by my parents.  The other day even, I went out with people I didn't even really know, off the beaten path at 3 am to watch the meteor shower. If you know me, I would have never ever done that six months ago. Especially with like coyotes and raccoons wandering. So I'm not the next GI Jane, but I'm really trying and adapting.  

Coming home has really taught me to question elements about my personality that are sometimes not the best. This is my desire to please everyone around me and make them happy. That has always been my goal, to be that person that everyone wants me to be. I've realized here, that while that can make me a good friend and daughter, who is that?  I lack the same kind of career goals or life goals than other people. I rarely just "do what I want" because frankly I don't really know what I want. I intend to take that question of "what do I want?" forward into the next steps of my journey.

Which brings me lastly to a really big decision I made about returning to San Diego. I am going back in January and I am living with strangers and going back to people I have barely spoken to in six months.  The thing is, I love that classes I will be taking next semester and I think that those will have a positive impact on hopefully my career futures in political science and communications. Going back is actually suprisingly the less safe choice. I could stay here and go to USF where I am fundamentally happy and all my best friends will be close and near. Here, I could live with my parents, have my meals cooked and a safe bed to sleep in. But instead, I'm challenging myself to continue what I started and be somewhat uncomfortable in order to push myself further. 

 All of this stuff came to me last night about three am when I was talking to a friend. He asked me "Do my parents have high expectations for me?". The question kind of threw me for a loop. The answer is that I set really high expectations for myself. My parents want me to be a perfect daughter, student and worker. The thing is though, that I  realized I run myself ragged trying to avoid any kindof criticism or dissaproval. I am competitive with myself in an almost detrimental way. Having someone else disaprove of me as well this week, through me for a loop and left me feeling completely helpless. I decided I needed to fix it, fix me, and make things right.  I am happy I did, and I am working each day on myself. However, the conclusion remains: Why do I care?How do I cause myself less stress?. Right now I don't know how, all I know how to be is the best I can be and when I fall short I think I'll continue to beat myself up about it. My answer to myself is mess up less.  

“Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly; In my own way, and with my full consent. Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely Went to their deaths more proud than this one went. Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping I will confess; but that's permitted me; Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free. If I had loved you less or played you slyly I might have held you for a summer more, But at the cost of words I value highly, And no such summer as the one before. Should I outlive this anguish-and men do- I shall have only good to say of you.” -Edna St Vincent Millay

This has been the most dramatic week of my life.

I feel like I'm in an episode of gossip girl, as I watch this teeny bopper attempt to destroy everything in her path.

I've done the best I can at adapting to an "open" relationship, the truth is it was nothing I ever wanted and I've been feeling in the dark for the best way to not continue to hurt myself. The irony is, I ended up losing everything on a night I asked not to be apart of. I refuse to ever be part of something not concrete again.

made a really big decision today... I think it took a lot of thought and maturity... I think I'm growing up.

ps. After I did a rainbow came out from behind the clouds. I really don't like natural symbolism, but its really wierd

Sometimes it takes a while to realize, but they're just not that into you anymore...

http://slpgirl-newbeginnings.blogspot.com/2009/02/hes-just-not-that-into-you-quotes-from.html

It's so weird turning into an adult, I sometimes don't even know what to make of it. For example, a friend of mine a year ago, I took him to a highlighter party and I see on facebook that he got married last week. We're 21? Since when do people meet someone, get engaged, and married in one year? About 2 years ago, my then bf, thought we'd be engaged by this summer... now I can't even imagine even thinking of something like that? Everyday, I feel like I learn so much about myself, who I am and what I want to do. I can't imagine having anyone thinking they want to spend the rest of their lives with me... I mean I don't think I even know me that well, but I'm stuck with me.

They say that college is a coming-of-age period, where you learn about yourself. However, the truth is, I've learned just as much in the last six months at home, then my whole three years at USD. I've learned so much about adapting to people, families (mine and my friends), corporations, and work places. Some of my friends and my mother, think I should transfer to USF. It would actually be fairly simple and two of my best friends are coming back to Marin in the spring. However, this is conflicting because for financial reasons it would make sense to still live at home. If I did this would it be a smarter decision? Or would I be holding myself back? Is it a cop-out to stay or cop-out to go back to SD?

Things are really in a weird place for me.

Growing up is the process of learning that our parents are far from who we thought they are. We learn of our parents' sacrifices, struggles, longings and vices; as we look to them as models of who we are becoming or who we could have become. As children, we paint them as our heroes or in the best possible light, and as we gain awareness of the world around us they emerge and show what they truly are, human--flawed. Now this humanity or change of awareness, isn't necessarily a bad thing, in the case of one parent, it endears me more to them. However, in the other their "inhumanity" becomes more and more self-evident every single day. There is no lesson to be learned except whom I don't want to become. I have no desire conduct my family, like a quasibusiness deal, or to treat the ones I love under suspision that they will take from me.

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.
Buddha

Coming from a catholic education, I have learned something that I have taken very seriously, when entering into marriage the effort is to love unconditionally. Outside of a marriage as well, the foundation of all human relationships between strangers and our most intimate is love. The whole basis of christianity, which I believe has been morphed and misconstrued by ignorance is the foundation to love one another without judgment and fear. The emphasis is on not judging others, and loving your neighbor as yourself. While I'm not sure where I fall in the organized religious scale, I do take those values to heart.

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.- J. C.

Every man has his fault, and honesty is his.- William Shakespeare

Sometimes, I think maybe I am too honest. I can't conceal, who I am, how I think or how I feel. I think that being a straight shooter is both one of my biggest strengths and also one of my biggest flaws as well. I often live my life, being me, and offering some good opinions and being trust worthy. But also sometimes, I wish I knew how to conceal myself in order to gain less stress. I think sometimes I say things so truthful when I'm angry that can really be hurtful and I regret that. If I see someone doing something that I think is hurting them, I always have to share my opinion or avoid them. This is me for better or for worse and my real friends know that and still put up with me

"That's a Man" Jack Ingram

I've spent the evening listening and downloading country music. My Aunt in Kansas wrote me a card for my birthday with an itunes giftcard inside that I received today. Sometimes its much better to get gifts a month or later after your birthday, because that's when you least expect them. I believe in that... giving gifts not when its required or during the conventional times, but when you least expect it. The act of someone thinking of you when they don't have to seems to make things feel a lot more special.

One day, I hope to get flowers from a boy when I least expect it. I've actually never gotten flowers from anyone male besides my father or a prom date's corsage which seems a little past due since I've been in and out of relationships since I was 15.

Anyway, the reason I've been downloading country music is in response to the dissapointing Bob Dylan show Matt and I went to last night in Berkeley. Bob Dylan, an idol, and one of the greatest songwriters of all time was awful. Instead of a solitary lyrics driven performance, he hid behind the big band and werbled words that couldn't be comprehended. Dylan, in his Zoro hat, was completly unrecognizable and his geeky charm was masqued by his ill fitting, silver- striped black "trying far too hard to be cool" pants. Dylan, who once won the world's youth with his poignant lyrics and his guy next door flannel charm is officially no longer able to perform. Today's country music, is probably the closest thing our generation has to those who emerged in 60's and 70's rock and roll. The songs speak to the common person, with ballads and allegorys that speak to something more than parties, sex and the superficial.

sometimes I need to remember this...

"When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to, just like when they do want to, you can't stop them."
— Andy Warhol

I showed up 5 hours early to work yesterday thinking that I was opening instead of closing. So I decided to be productive and get my prescription refilled and a flu shot. Turns out the flu shot was a bad choice. Cause I have felt absolutely awful ever since : (. My body is aching, I move like a snail, and I am so sensitive to light and sound. I just want to feel better : (

My golden retriever has some sort of a stomach flu. I feel really bad so instead of making her sleep outside by herself, I'm sitting with her so she can get some sleep without feeling like she's in trouble. My dad said just to put her outside for a few hours but when I started putting her out there she started to cry and I felt really horrible. I mean I couldn't imagine feeling sick and not being able to explain it to anyone. So instead, I'm sitting with her to make her feel better.

I'm not sure what else to write but I'm trying to kill time until she falls asleep.

One thing I'm trying to do is be a more positive person while I'm here. I'm trying to contribute and making those who I care about and even random strangers feel better or have better days. The world is such a negative place, you know? Bad things happen everyday all the time and instead of focusing on it, I'm trying to focus on the positive things I can do for those around me who are kind to me. There are so many more negatives in the world or selfish actions, then there are good. So if there is anything any of you need please let me know and I'm totally ready to help with anything. Seriously.

I must be the biggest nerd on the planet...

You know you're a nerd when you find that Saturday night at 2 am is an opportune time to do your chemistry extra credit....

So Fortunate...

It's been a week since my birthday and I would just like to write a post on how fortunate I am. I am incredibly thankful and amazed at the kindness and general goodwill expressed to me this week. To start my friends Holly and Natalia drove up from Santa Barbara to share my special day. At midnight on the 14th, Gab and Holly went with me to Safeway so I could purchase my first alcoholic beverage which was a bottle of Moet & Chandon Champagne. The day of my birthday my parents bought all of my loves dinner which was really amazing and I was so thankful they did that and so many people were there to join me on a Monday night.

Not only that but I have the best bosses in the world at Macy's who not only gave me the days off that I wanted but have so much positive feedback. I left my job at the sushi restaurant, which I will not mention more about or why, but I am so lucky to have a fulltime job at Macy's that provides a full-time job for someone like me that I honestly enjoy and gives me the opportunity to leave the restaurant. I also have had great customers this week who have been very kind.

Tuesday, I was taken out by friends from high school who I haven't remained in touch with as much. The fact that they were so kind and bought me drinks and wanted to celebrate my birthday with me was really really special.

Wednesday, my Mom's friend Cathy came with us up to Santa Rosa to have my car serviced and therefore allowed us to leave the immediate area of Santa Rosa and go to Calistoga. Not only was it awesome that she did that for me but the people of Hansel Volkswagon and BMW fixed my car for free and cleaned it. It was weird to actually have a car dealer not try and screw me over. I recommend if you need one of those vehicles to go to them because they have really provided superior service and I was able to get my car new for under MSRP.

Saturday, was the day of my party. My boss let me off early to get my makeup done, and the girl at Mac befriended me and wants to go out for taco tuesdays. Everyone who came was so great and I really appreciate them making the journey to the Marina for me. Gab and I received extra special bottles of patron tequila from Matt Rosko even though we haven't seen him in over a year. Thanks loves! Especially, someone in particular who was my dd and dealt with drunk ass even though he really really hates to be around me when I drink.

I just wanted to thank everyone for being kind and making my weeks one of the best in history. For all the presents, the cards, phonecalls and facebook comments, I really thank you and feel loved from the bottom of my heart.

Today is my last day at 20. At midnight tonight, I am not excluded from any social event where you have to be 21 to attend. I've worked the last week, sixty something hours, and today is my first day off. I am in bed, cause my feet hurt and my body aches. All will be better at midnight : )

1. First name -Camille

2. Were you named after anyone? The movie with greta garbo

3. When did you last cry? last night watching 500 days of summer

4. Do you like your handwriting? sometimes

5. What is your favorite lunch meat? turkey

6. Kids? nope

7. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Ofcourse

8. Do you have a journal? many

9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? yes, I very sarcastic

10. Do you still have your tonsils? nope

11. Would you bungee jump? nope

12. What is your favorite cereal? raisin bran

13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I'm not sure exactly

14. Do you think you are strong? Depends, if I put my mind to it, I am

15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? chocolate macadamian nut

16. Shoe size 9.5 or 10

17. Red or pink? pink

18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself: that i am affected by others

19. Who do you miss the most? those who I have lost...

20. Do you want everyone to send this back to you? not exactly

21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? navy, no shoes

22. Last thing you ate? tomatos

23. What are you listening to right now? silence

24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? the pink with the sparkles

25. Favorite smell? home, jasmine when it comes out at night, the rainy day rain smell

26. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? matt?

27. The first thing you notice about people you are attracted to? eyes, confidence

28. Do you like the person who sent this to you? no one sent this

29. Favorite drinks? pog juice, orangina, coke

30. Favorite sport? to watch? football

31. Eye color? green sometimes they change to blue or grey

32. Hat size? I dunno

33. Do you wear contacts? nope

34. Favorite food? potatoes

35. Last movie you watched at home (a VHS or DVD that you own)? uhhhh ... that would go years back

36. Last movie you watched at the theater? 500 days of summer

37. What color shirt are you wearing? grey

38. Summer or Winter? Summer.

39. Hugs or kisses? hugs

40. Favorite dessert? chocolate cake

41. Who is most likely to respond? no one

42. Least likely to? have no idea

43. What books are you reading? a diary of marie antoinette, catcher in the rye

44. What’s on your mousepad? puppies from 4th grade

45. What did you watch last night on TV? CSI Miami

46. Favorite sounds? the ocean, rain

47. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles, but rolling stones are epic as well

48. Furthest you’ve been from home? the lourve valley

49. What’s your special talent? I can read people well

50. When and where were you born? 9/14/88 in Marin General

51. What is the most romantic thing someone has done for you? Flew out to see me as a surprise

52. What was your proudest childhood moment? winning a contest for a story I wrote

53. Stay home or go out? Stay home

54. Favorite movie? cruel intentions

50 Random Questions

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?

In a bath

2. Who are you in love with?

my friends

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?

no

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

no... shocking? yes.

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?

This morning, I work there

6. Are you wearing socks right now?

no

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?

yes

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?

today.

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?

yes, I saw 500 days of summer

10. Are you hot?

I'm comfortable

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?

water

12. What are you wearing right now?

juicy pants and a tshirt

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?

both

14. Last food that you ate?

tomato

15. Where were you last week at this time?

in bed

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?

I bought a dress

17. When is the last time you ran?

Monday

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?

I watched some golf matches

19. What is your favorite animal?

Golden Retrievers

20. Your dream vacation?

Mexico, by the water

21. Last person's house you were in?

my own.

22. Worst injury you've ever had?

Uhhh my rotator cuff issues

23. Have you been in love?

yes

24. Do you miss anyone right now?

always, nicole and john rip

25. Last play you saw?

some play at usd

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?

no secret weapons... maybe I should get one

27. What are your plans for tonight?

finish csi miami, go to bed

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?

I haven't used myspace in at least a year

29. Next trip you are going to take?

not sure, hopefully san diego

30. Ever go to camp?

yes, unfortunately. I would always get really homesick and cry until i got taken home early

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?

Yes, and deans list

32. What do you want to know about the future?

I want to know nothing. I want to live in the moment.

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?

Marc Jacobs, the original

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?

probably

35. Where is your best friend?

at her boys house

36. How is your best friend?

she's really good.

37. Do you have a tan?

yes

38. What are you listening to right now?

CSI Miami

39. Do you collect anything?

lingerie

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?

I know many

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?

San Diego, my only ticket ever about a year ago for speeding

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?

Yes...

43. What does your last text message say?

Won 2, lost 1

44. Do you like hot sauce?

no

45. Last time you took a shower?

3 hours ago

46. Do you need to do laundry?

not particularly

47. What is your heritage?

german, danish, and jew (mixed with lots of eastern european raping and pillaging)

48. Are you someone's best friend?

yes

49. Are you rich?

Rich with love

50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?

in the movies

www.the-top-tens.com

Top Ten List - Best Myspace Surveys

I just cried through the last half of 500 days of summer. I am such a sap.

The fact that you are willing to say, ''I do not understand, and it is fine,'' is the greatest understanding you could exhibit. -Wayne Dyer

Today I learned I do not understand people. Actually, everyday, I am more and more amazed at how many people's actions I do not understand.

However, when you sit across from the person who made you and are completely amazed by their own selfishness and lack of empathy for their fellow human being, it really makes you think. I mean really, how do you grow up with someone in the same environment and share genes with this person and sit across from them and feel completely disconnected from them? More so, upon feeling that disconnect, I felt a sense of relief, that she and I were not the same, really, in anyway.

The conflict arose at a local outback steakhouse. I wanted to tip the elderly waitress an extra two dollars more from my own pocket while someone else felt the need to tip the bare minimum. It wasn't much in my mind, two dollars, it was the principle. However, the other person whom I was with through a tantrum about "how I shouldn't try and be the savior to all the servers in the world". To give this story perspective the tip was always going to remain under ten dollars to begin with.

The issue is I don't think I will ever understand this person for whom I share genes. Oftentimes, I find customers in both my jobs and other peoples families who act more maternal to me and do things for me not expecting retribution but out of love. I try and live my life out of this spirit. To try and be kind and be more giving then selfish. Kind of the whole pay it forward thing. I believe in committing more random acts of kindness each day. Maybe I am naive, maybe I am young and I will grow jaded with age. But I hope to try and make those around have better days, every single day. Not just people I love, but strangers and acquaintances as well. I try and live my life on the doctrine of karma, and although I have done some bad things in my past. I hope to live each day forward in the spirit of love.

the hair post

Sometimes I begin thinking about what I am going to post but have no title... so I click on my itunes and press play on random and look at the first thing I see.

Ironically, it was the "Felicity" theme song that popped up first (just as I was about to write something about an impending change of hair). As many of you know, or should know, because you should be up on late nineties wb hits is that the second season of Felicity, Kerry Russell's character Felicity chops off her hair to signify a major change in her life. Due to the awkward haircut and change in tv scheduling, Felicity lost its very high ratings but went on for another four years of a transformational college girls experience.

Tomorrow, I am dying my hair back to its natural color. For years I have been trying to lighten and upkeep this blonde persona to whom I've wanted to be since I was little. Probably, far too much Barbie in my early socialization. I learned to think, that having brown hair somehow made me less beautiful and less worthy than other pretty girls with blonde hair. Looking back, it gives me a sick feeling that at four or five years old, I thought I had to change to be worthy of love. Even in those early years, I had some intense awareness that somehow my appearance was going to determine my opportunities, not my personality or intellect. How fucked up is that?

Someone who has become very important in my life recently, called me superficial. Not really in a joking way. Like they were reading something about how superficial people like this and that do this and that, and they thought of me. Which made me think... I do have superficial tendencies that I am well aware of trust me. I mean I am writing a post about my hair...that is like the paradigm of superficiality. But do people I love really not see me as much else? Am I just smiles and sunshines? and shoes? and does my dialog sound like something I could win a daytime emmy for? I sure hope not. So who are we really? Are we who we perceive ourselves to be? Or are we how others see us? Do our own opinions of ourselves or who we want to be factor in to "who we are"?

So as I write this wordy piece of crap about dying my hair. The truth is, its for the first time since probably seventh grade I feel comfortable with who I am supposed to look like. I'm not trying to bleach away the remaining clues that I am not perfect. I came home to learn how to be comfortable with who I am ...to even get a grasp on who that is. I wanted to learn I could be independent, successful and most importantly that I can learn to like who I am without feeling like I never measure up. Maybe I am superficial, I sure hope I'm not. But hopefully this time of growth, the first time in my near 21 years that I decided to do something that no one wanted me to do (take time away from school and spend time at home), I can show that I value things besides the superficial and learn to be someone, others, myself included, can grow to love.

Rereading that post... wow that was a lame metaphor.

I should be asleep right now but I'm still wired from the huge redbull I drank two hours ago in Pacific Heights. I would just like to note that I love the friends I've known since high school or before more than anyone. : )

Rough few days...I'm just trying to get a handle on everything

Proud and alone, cold as a stone
Rolling down that hill into the night
I could see the surprise and the hurt in your eyes
From behind each flashing city light
Love needs a heart and that I need to find
If loves needs a heart like mine- Love Needs a Heart- Jackson Browne

People don't belong to other people. We choose and have the freedom to choose whose company we keep. My attempts to make myself worth loving  always seem to fall flat.We define relationships and even marriages in order to restrain our natural instincts, or chain them to ourselves so they can't love someone else.  But really whats the point?relationships and marriages often have infidelity whether sexually or of the mind.  People are just like wild birds who often look so beautiful in their natural elementthat we want to cage them to keep them close and keep the beauty near us always. Unfortunately, once a wild bird is caged it loses its beauty... no longer does it have the choices 

to fly and interact with its natural environment. Also, the bird you have loved so dearly begins to resent you. The conclusion, is we can't cage a wild bird we can only feed them and hope to notscare them away. There are no guarantees with the bird but hopefully just being close it will grow to trust you and love you back. Maybe one day the wild bird will choose to stay near. 

You musn't give your heart to a wild thing. The more you do, the stronger they get, until they're strong enough to run into the woods or fly into a tree. And then to a higher tree and then to the sky. - Breakfast at Tiffanys

It's been awhile...

I haven't written in awhile. I've been pretty busy lately. I have four jobs at the moment. My internship at the communications firm, waitressing at tsukiji, abercrombie and then lastly I just got a position in the shoe department at macys. Also, in my free time I have been trying to balance running errands, walking maisy almost daily, and having a social life with my bf and my besties.  I am also doing the PR for the restaurant in my freetime for extra money.  I actually am really enjoying being busy. Today I actually thought to write a list of things that I do really like or "my favorite things"

My favorite flowers: are yellow, orange and peach roses, and pink peoneys

favorite jewelry: are big huge  chunky sparkely things, especially rings that look like the kind little kids would get

favorite underwear: hanky panky thongs

favorite shoes: are Indian festival shoes, from  khussa

favorite weather: is hot and dry

time of day: 4 in the morning

place:  mexican coast

food: mexican

sweatshirts: free city

jeans: true religion grey skinnys

season: summer

poet: W.H. Auden

author: Nathaniel Hawthorne

director: Sofia Copolla

trees: magnolia

locations: bays and grass lawns

knock on wood....

Back in the middle ages up and until about two hundred years ago, anytime anyone had sickness or bad luck fall upon them they believed they had been cursed by a witch.  Today, we just call it "bad luck" or "bad karma". As I sit here writing covered with hives, my superstitious self tends to wonder what I could have done to avoid this predicament.  (also, if this doesn't make sense-I blame the benedyrl). It  seems that good only comes coupled with bad, and so on. Once I am better, I hope to do more random acts of kindness, in order to improve my karma.  Besides the hives, the leg and the deer who ran into my car last night (he lived and my car was fine because I stopped and he ran into me), I feel like I've been having the best few weeks ever. In a line from the movie Camille, they say "lucky in love, unlucky in cards"... so maybe I'd rather be unlucky at cards at the moment. I don't want to say much more cause, I really really get scared I'm going to jinx myself. Wow I really am superstitious, aren't I?

Here is a short list of the superstitions  I ritualize:

1. I pray or give thanks every night before bed in silence

2. I "read" the safety manual in every plane flight that I have ever been on just because I feel if I don't the plane will crash down (I also fly often more than twice a month at minimum)

3. I knock on wood.

4. I hold my breath in tunnels

5. I make a wish on clocks (for ex 11:11, 12:34 etc), first stars, shooting stars, and wishbones (I have a wishbone necklace)

6. I never tell anyone my wish for chance it wont come true

7.  It still makes me nervous to say "Macbeth" outloud even though I haven't been in a play for years

8. I won't walk under a ladder

As I said, I am hoping to build up good karma, so if anyone needs help with anything let me know : ). Also, I challenge anyone to do random acts of kindness.  Happy Father's Day Dad!

Some lyrics that I find poignant

There’s something about the look in your eyes
Something I noticed when the light was just right
It reminded me twice that I was alive-Echo, Incubus

Im going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And well fill in the missing colors
In each others paint-by-number dreams - The Pretender, Jackson Browne

Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning,
And I find myself careening
Into places where I should not let me go.

She has the power to go where no one else can find me,
Yes, and to silently remind me
Of the happiness and good times that I know, you know.- Something In the Way She Moves- James Taylor

I haven't written since the 7th... its been hard to start.... but just good things happen when you give up hope.

I never would have expected any of this to happen.

I'm superstituous so I refuse to say anything more. 

the wound

I was wounded last night at a party, when I fell through my friend's deck. When I walked out from the door, I placed one foot on the deck and as I brought my second foot onto the deck, I stuck it where the floor board was supposed to be and my leg scraped three feet down into a hole. Pretty much I have a massive scrape on shin bone, which looks very gnarly and will probably leave a massive scar. I guess my dreams of being a skintimate model are ruined! (hah). 

As I sat around all dressed and bandaged in my room, sleeping and eating  the day away. I got a text from one of my best friends who had one of her worst days of her life.  She and her boyfriend broke up today after almost nine months of confusion and about a year and and a half of being in a relationship before that. I also have been having a few close discussions with a lot of my guy friends who have also gotten out of long term relationships. All of these people have something in common, theyre all wounded. Lately, I've been learning that intimacy at this age in a relationship sense really does more harm than good. So many people, have been so close to someone and then that person begins to change and become self destructive and the other person is left mourning what was and what could have been. Most long relationships, seem to take a good few months or years of the couple just breaking up. 

I use the metaphor of the would because there is the deep hurt and void that comes at the less of the relationship. We do our best to clean  it up, cover it up and move on hoping it will heal itself. Unfortunately, there are alway few bumps and bruises and the healing keeps getting delayed until one day you think you're fixed.  Thats the scab, which is protection, but it is fragile and can easily either be unsurfaced or it can heal and leave a scar. Wherever all these people in their own lives, theyre still working to not aggravate the wound of the relationship or if scarred to open themselves up to the opportunity to be hurt again. Which leaves me to the question, is it safe to open ourselves up to other people? Why do we do it? Relationships almost always end badly, no matter if they end on good terms or not, to care deeply means to hurt deeply. I think our capacity to care and want to care is one of our most masochistic human traits. Everytime we open our hearts to our friends, our family, a relationship, a pet, we set ourself up for dissapointment.

I'm not saying not to care about people or that we can avoid pain. But we can just look where were stepping, maybe if I had been more conscientious I wouldn't have my leg hurt now. 

Fantasy? Who needs it

Mr. Ritchie died yesterday. I didn't know him very well, but I read his blog everytime he posted. He was close with my friends and so I was often in his presence and could see through his writings and the short time I spent with him that he was a very kind person. The last post on his blog was written by his wife, who had been by his side for almost 45 years, through health and sickness. I can't imagine being in her position, losing her best friend and partner after all these years. To be alone, when you planned your lives to grow old together. If I ever grow old, I hope I go first, losing someone you truly love at 20 is something incredibly painful and a daily reminder. It must be heartwrenching when you've grown up with this person, raised children, and built a life. Or at least it should be, that is the definition of true love, the kindof love that endures even when the person you once loved needs you to take care of them at their worst. 

I would say I'm actually not a romantic, I don't believe in a fairy tale kind of love with roses and sonnets and people who just fall into each others arms and live happily ever after.  I believe in love, and loving others but usually it comes from the companionship, its based on being someone's best friend, the trust that gets built overtime and the loyalty you foster. Those kinds of things are only tested over time, because sometimes people's priorities change, someone becomes a different person, or someone becomes too selfish. I am skeptical of anything  that comes too fast or too easily or too deep.  

Believe it or not, I actually hate romantic comedies  or anything really formula where the people end up together in the end. Everything except for The Notebook, but even then the last few scenes with the beds and the waking up and the geese motif... not going to lie while everyone else was crying we laughed... really a geese motif. I bring this up because I refuse to watch, read, or experience anything "Twilight". I may be too cynical, but this is who I am. 

This whole aversion to fantasy I think began when I was little, I always read historical fiction, biographies, or illustrated classics when I was little. I never got into Harry Potter, I read the first few and just didn't like them.  I have never been one for any sort of Lord of the Whats a McCall-it, Chronicle's of Wherever, etc. Not to say I don't have an active imagination, but I tend to think the world and people are far more complex then anything that needs to be made up. The world is full of true love stories, ones that endure time, that are no fantasy. They may not have these epic displays of love, but its those people who enjoy each other's company almost everyday. That's all I want, to be with someone who can stand me. 

uncomfortable...

You know what really sucks? Being uncomfortable. I mean, the word says it all, un- not, - comfortable. It sucks its like no matter what you do, and how much you want to rest and feel comfortable you just can't feel right. Like today for example, I wake up today for the fourth day in a row with allergies, I ran out of my claratin d, so I had to settle for the just plain regular claratin (worthless). Who knew that epinephrine or whatever totally makes the claratin worthwhile? If only the homemade meth labs, didn't ruin getting effective allergy medicine for everyone. So here I am, eyes watering, nose stuffy, and itchy all over because I settled. On top of that, I think I must be getting sick cause my body is achy all over and I cant find a way in my usually very comfy bed to lay. Meanwhile, you know that feeling when your clothes just don't lay right and same with your hair? No matter what you do you are restrained and yanked in all the wrong places. God, I hate that. 

Maisey looks comfortable though. She is spread out next to me, nuzzling her head in my covers and resting her blonde fuzzy back against my thighs. Wish me luck on getting more comfortable. 

Here I go....

I decided to create one of these... I used to have a livejournal in the past but I began to conveniently stop writing when I began my long term relationship two years ago. So I switched over to blogspot, because livejournal houses all my high school memories and I decided to purposefully make the departure from that. I am beginning a new chapter of my life this summer, the beginning of my hopeful descent into adulthood. Last year was kind of a limbo year for me being so unsure of who I was, who my real friends are, what true love is, and what my purpose is. I decided toward the end of the spring to take not only this summer off but the fall. I just really felt the need to come home and ground myself, and in the most cliche way "find myself". 

I don't just want to finish school, but I want to make sure I find the passion in my last 30 units at USD. I also wanted to step away from the situations that were causing me so much stress.  This break is here to help me reflect on the things that I hold most dear, my friends, my family, my home, and my passions and ambitions that I have tended to put on the back burner for things I found more important, primarily whatever boy waltzed in and actually had no legitimate interest in me. 

But what do you write in a blog? What is appropriate? In such a public domain are you able to share a piece of yourself. Am I even relevant? Who knows. Maybe this whole blogging culture is this narcissistic outlet where we put ourselves out there to make us feel like we are worthwhile, in a way, in our own world, celebrities (the more I think about it, I am embarrassed to write or start this)... but I guess I need an outlet, so I will begin. 

The title of this blog comes from the opening sequence of the movie I was named after, Camille.

 

The movie begins with "This is the story of one of those pretty creatures who lived on the quicksands of popularity - - Marguerite Gautier, who brightened her wit with champagne - and sometimes her eyes with tears." Camille (1936) with Greta Garbo. The character, Marguerite, who is endearingly called Camille for her love of the camellia flowers. Marguerite, a courtesan, is both a beautiful and tragic figure, who "has the reputation of being one of the most extravagant girls in Paris as well as one of the most insincere... She's the kind who says one thing and thinks another." I have a tendency towards extravagance, luxury, and that which is unapologetically feminine. I love anything that has sparkles or fur. I love baroque architecture, castles, and colonial homes. When I read, I tend to read either trivia books or books with past female protagonists, whether they are classics or biographies.

I am kind of a francophile and anglophile despite my love for the US. I know the royalty and the histories of both countries and have put special emphasis on Tudor England and Marie Antoinette and Louis XIV far before they were made popular.

Speaking of which, I have had the tendency to find myself drawn to tragic figures, even before I knew of their tragic fate. My first was Judy Garland, whom I watched on a daily basis during my preschool age obsession with Wizard of Oz. 

(This is also probably when I began my intense love of fashion as well, I mean who can resist red sparkly shoes) The others as mentioned earlier were Anne Boleyn, Marguerite Guatier and Marie Antoinette. I also have a love for Edie Sedgwick.

I think my love for them comes from the combination of youth, femininity, passion and their sadness that draws me to them. I have the tendency to be exhuberant, happy and optimistic, but I also have somewhat of a melancholy part of myself.

Not that I feel sorry for myself, quite the opposite actually, the sadness really comes from being so fortunate and the fears that I have of losing those who make me so happy. When you are put in a position when things seem really great, there seems to be a lot that can wrong. 

My Dad, who lost his mother in a car accident, has instilled in me a real sense of our own mortality. Even when I was little, I knew that things don't always go as planned.

Especially after the losses of Nicole and John, I feel the need to extend myself out, make sure that those who I love know I love them, and try and make sure I can make a difference in others. 

Which leads me to creating this blog, the purpose to capture this moment, and this instant in writing. My prayers tonight go out to those who are suffering from debilitating illness and those members of the armed services that overseas tonight.