knock on wood....

Back in the middle ages up and until about two hundred years ago, anytime anyone had sickness or bad luck fall upon them they believed they had been cursed by a witch.  Today, we just call it "bad luck" or "bad karma". As I sit here writing covered with hives, my superstitious self tends to wonder what I could have done to avoid this predicament.  (also, if this doesn't make sense-I blame the benedyrl). It  seems that good only comes coupled with bad, and so on. Once I am better, I hope to do more random acts of kindness, in order to improve my karma.  Besides the hives, the leg and the deer who ran into my car last night (he lived and my car was fine because I stopped and he ran into me), I feel like I've been having the best few weeks ever. In a line from the movie Camille, they say "lucky in love, unlucky in cards"... so maybe I'd rather be unlucky at cards at the moment. I don't want to say much more cause, I really really get scared I'm going to jinx myself. Wow I really am superstitious, aren't I?

Here is a short list of the superstitions  I ritualize:

1. I pray or give thanks every night before bed in silence

2. I "read" the safety manual in every plane flight that I have ever been on just because I feel if I don't the plane will crash down (I also fly often more than twice a month at minimum)

3. I knock on wood.

4. I hold my breath in tunnels

5. I make a wish on clocks (for ex 11:11, 12:34 etc), first stars, shooting stars, and wishbones (I have a wishbone necklace)

6. I never tell anyone my wish for chance it wont come true

7.  It still makes me nervous to say "Macbeth" outloud even though I haven't been in a play for years

8. I won't walk under a ladder

As I said, I am hoping to build up good karma, so if anyone needs help with anything let me know : ). Also, I challenge anyone to do random acts of kindness.  Happy Father's Day Dad!

Some lyrics that I find poignant

There’s something about the look in your eyes
Something I noticed when the light was just right
It reminded me twice that I was alive-Echo, Incubus

Im going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And well fill in the missing colors
In each others paint-by-number dreams - The Pretender, Jackson Browne

Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning,
And I find myself careening
Into places where I should not let me go.

She has the power to go where no one else can find me,
Yes, and to silently remind me
Of the happiness and good times that I know, you know.- Something In the Way She Moves- James Taylor

I haven't written since the 7th... its been hard to start.... but just good things happen when you give up hope.

I never would have expected any of this to happen.

I'm superstituous so I refuse to say anything more. 

the wound

I was wounded last night at a party, when I fell through my friend's deck. When I walked out from the door, I placed one foot on the deck and as I brought my second foot onto the deck, I stuck it where the floor board was supposed to be and my leg scraped three feet down into a hole. Pretty much I have a massive scrape on shin bone, which looks very gnarly and will probably leave a massive scar. I guess my dreams of being a skintimate model are ruined! (hah). 

As I sat around all dressed and bandaged in my room, sleeping and eating  the day away. I got a text from one of my best friends who had one of her worst days of her life.  She and her boyfriend broke up today after almost nine months of confusion and about a year and and a half of being in a relationship before that. I also have been having a few close discussions with a lot of my guy friends who have also gotten out of long term relationships. All of these people have something in common, theyre all wounded. Lately, I've been learning that intimacy at this age in a relationship sense really does more harm than good. So many people, have been so close to someone and then that person begins to change and become self destructive and the other person is left mourning what was and what could have been. Most long relationships, seem to take a good few months or years of the couple just breaking up. 

I use the metaphor of the would because there is the deep hurt and void that comes at the less of the relationship. We do our best to clean  it up, cover it up and move on hoping it will heal itself. Unfortunately, there are alway few bumps and bruises and the healing keeps getting delayed until one day you think you're fixed.  Thats the scab, which is protection, but it is fragile and can easily either be unsurfaced or it can heal and leave a scar. Wherever all these people in their own lives, theyre still working to not aggravate the wound of the relationship or if scarred to open themselves up to the opportunity to be hurt again. Which leaves me to the question, is it safe to open ourselves up to other people? Why do we do it? Relationships almost always end badly, no matter if they end on good terms or not, to care deeply means to hurt deeply. I think our capacity to care and want to care is one of our most masochistic human traits. Everytime we open our hearts to our friends, our family, a relationship, a pet, we set ourself up for dissapointment.

I'm not saying not to care about people or that we can avoid pain. But we can just look where were stepping, maybe if I had been more conscientious I wouldn't have my leg hurt now. 

Fantasy? Who needs it

Mr. Ritchie died yesterday. I didn't know him very well, but I read his blog everytime he posted. He was close with my friends and so I was often in his presence and could see through his writings and the short time I spent with him that he was a very kind person. The last post on his blog was written by his wife, who had been by his side for almost 45 years, through health and sickness. I can't imagine being in her position, losing her best friend and partner after all these years. To be alone, when you planned your lives to grow old together. If I ever grow old, I hope I go first, losing someone you truly love at 20 is something incredibly painful and a daily reminder. It must be heartwrenching when you've grown up with this person, raised children, and built a life. Or at least it should be, that is the definition of true love, the kindof love that endures even when the person you once loved needs you to take care of them at their worst. 

I would say I'm actually not a romantic, I don't believe in a fairy tale kind of love with roses and sonnets and people who just fall into each others arms and live happily ever after.  I believe in love, and loving others but usually it comes from the companionship, its based on being someone's best friend, the trust that gets built overtime and the loyalty you foster. Those kinds of things are only tested over time, because sometimes people's priorities change, someone becomes a different person, or someone becomes too selfish. I am skeptical of anything  that comes too fast or too easily or too deep.  

Believe it or not, I actually hate romantic comedies  or anything really formula where the people end up together in the end. Everything except for The Notebook, but even then the last few scenes with the beds and the waking up and the geese motif... not going to lie while everyone else was crying we laughed... really a geese motif. I bring this up because I refuse to watch, read, or experience anything "Twilight". I may be too cynical, but this is who I am. 

This whole aversion to fantasy I think began when I was little, I always read historical fiction, biographies, or illustrated classics when I was little. I never got into Harry Potter, I read the first few and just didn't like them.  I have never been one for any sort of Lord of the Whats a McCall-it, Chronicle's of Wherever, etc. Not to say I don't have an active imagination, but I tend to think the world and people are far more complex then anything that needs to be made up. The world is full of true love stories, ones that endure time, that are no fantasy. They may not have these epic displays of love, but its those people who enjoy each other's company almost everyday. That's all I want, to be with someone who can stand me.