Have you ever accidentally seen your reflection and not realized it was you? Sometimes when I make dramatic color changes to my hair, I've been unable to recognize myself for a few moments, it's like the actions that I am doing as myself are somehow disconnected from the persona of "me".
They say "the earliest formulation of the self in modern psychology from the distinction between the self as I, the subjective knower, and the self as Me, the object that is known" (James). So who am I? Am I the "I" who I want to be? Or am the "I" of my actions? Or am I the "I" of how people perceive me? In communications, they say all communication is receiver based, and intentionality no longer matters, it's what others percieve. Is this getting too psychological? Anyway to make matters short, I know who I want to be, and who I want to be percieved as, but recently back in San Diego, I don't feel that all my actions are revealing of who I am, or who I want to be.
I have been home for almost a week now, and I feel far more grounded and self aware then I have for the last two months. It's funny how "home", your parents and your friends who have watched you grow, determine your identity so much. But am I who I am here? Or am I really how people perceive me away from that environment? For example, both my parents are from places that are vastly different from the California lifestyle they leave now. Is my dad Timmy, middle son, or Tim the Marin Contractor? Is my mother "Treeshy" from New York who is pushed around by her bossy matriarch and older sister, or is she the successful lingerie designer/importer? Are the people who know her from those days see her as the same person?
This is not to say, I have a complete personality split. I am actually very similiar in my humor, my drinking, and the way I socialize, back down south. However, it's the perception of me by others that I think impacts where I fit in socially. Those who knew me my freshman year of college, verses those that have just met me have vastly different perceptions. So this is who I think I am, and you can tell me if this is your perception or some identity I've made up of a stranger:
I am: awkward- not always in a bad way, I hope mostly in an endearing way. I trip, I fall, I make bad jokes. I get really shy about people I've never met and sometimes I would rather have no filter and say what I'm thinking, rather than doing what is "socially acceptable". I am very direct, at times to a fault when I know how I feel or what I want.
kindof a bitch: I am really sarcastic and judgmental sometimes and I've been trying to work on that. However, I will judge anyone with too much Ed Hardy, Affliction, necklace chains and hair gel. If I am uninterested in speaking to someone, I will just stop and walk away. I am cynical.
curious: I ask a lot of questions, in every situation. I like to know stuff. I will spend hours on wikipedia learning about the movie I just watched, learning how to read palms, and what exactly are peoples 9/11 conspiracy theories. Even if I don't believe, or understand something, I want to know why and figure out how people think.
pensive: I think too much. I've been told that too many times. Especially by boys. I overanalyze every interaction I make, argument put forth , and commercial I watch. I am always trying to deconstruct and evaluate. I can't help it, and if I have a long car ride or plane ride, thats what I do... I think.
Anyway the reason I am posting this is, I think its important for close friendships and relationships, to have you be you. Always. Never the unrecognizable face in the mirror, but the true you... no holds bar. I have been fortunate enough to have five or six friendships and three relationships that allow me to be myself at their peak. I think thats why I will always love and treasure those people in my heart. Those people make it so that home isn't just a place, but always with me.
