i'm working on being more positive and spreading good karma....

we'll see how that goes

I guess my anxiety must be back now. I've been feeling it for at least the last month... I feel nauseus all the time and on the verge of tears. I'm not sure what to do or how to get rid of it, or if theres anyway to fix it. All I do when I'm home is sleep and stress about things I most definitely can't control. I just wish I was in the same position as a few months back or maybe in a few months forward but right in this place I'm at a lack for words. Everything just feels really hollow and scary and intense. Where do I go from here?

I can't believe I cried in public.... I am ridiculously lame

Where the Wild Things Are

The past five months that I've returned home has been overall a very positive experience for me.  They say college is where you emerge and find who you are and where you question your boundaries. For me coming home has been both cathartic and condusive to learning about who I am and who I want to become. Since I've been home, I've really been surrounded by some of the best people, especially many people who are completely different from who I am. Those people with completely difference experiences, goals, socioeconomic backgrounds, sexual preferences and family relationships have taught me that it is the shared commonalities of hardwork, love for one another, and desire to please spans across all walks of life and all people. I know I "knew" this before, but sometimes my attempts to shelter myself from something obscure or that couldn't be categorized into my neatly arranged subcompartments of my brain were thrown by the wayside. It is the people here, one in particular, that really questioned why and how I was making my judgments about people I never got the chance to know. I have made so many friends and rekindled so many acquaintances in high school that I had never attempted to get to know,  and created this warm cozy and completely different environment from what I had at USD. 

Another thing is that I have really connected with nature. Ok, so I'm not going to go camping in the near future. But honestly, before my time here I wouldn't walk along anything but a paved road unless it was on the beach. Maisey and I have been journeying alone into the hills of Tenessessee Valley, which I hadn't even seen since I was a child and dragged out there by my parents.  The other day even, I went out with people I didn't even really know, off the beaten path at 3 am to watch the meteor shower. If you know me, I would have never ever done that six months ago. Especially with like coyotes and raccoons wandering. So I'm not the next GI Jane, but I'm really trying and adapting.  

Coming home has really taught me to question elements about my personality that are sometimes not the best. This is my desire to please everyone around me and make them happy. That has always been my goal, to be that person that everyone wants me to be. I've realized here, that while that can make me a good friend and daughter, who is that?  I lack the same kind of career goals or life goals than other people. I rarely just "do what I want" because frankly I don't really know what I want. I intend to take that question of "what do I want?" forward into the next steps of my journey.

Which brings me lastly to a really big decision I made about returning to San Diego. I am going back in January and I am living with strangers and going back to people I have barely spoken to in six months.  The thing is, I love that classes I will be taking next semester and I think that those will have a positive impact on hopefully my career futures in political science and communications. Going back is actually suprisingly the less safe choice. I could stay here and go to USF where I am fundamentally happy and all my best friends will be close and near. Here, I could live with my parents, have my meals cooked and a safe bed to sleep in. But instead, I'm challenging myself to continue what I started and be somewhat uncomfortable in order to push myself further. 

 All of this stuff came to me last night about three am when I was talking to a friend. He asked me "Do my parents have high expectations for me?". The question kind of threw me for a loop. The answer is that I set really high expectations for myself. My parents want me to be a perfect daughter, student and worker. The thing is though, that I  realized I run myself ragged trying to avoid any kindof criticism or dissaproval. I am competitive with myself in an almost detrimental way. Having someone else disaprove of me as well this week, through me for a loop and left me feeling completely helpless. I decided I needed to fix it, fix me, and make things right.  I am happy I did, and I am working each day on myself. However, the conclusion remains: Why do I care?How do I cause myself less stress?. Right now I don't know how, all I know how to be is the best I can be and when I fall short I think I'll continue to beat myself up about it. My answer to myself is mess up less.  

“Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly; In my own way, and with my full consent. Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely Went to their deaths more proud than this one went. Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping I will confess; but that's permitted me; Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free. If I had loved you less or played you slyly I might have held you for a summer more, But at the cost of words I value highly, And no such summer as the one before. Should I outlive this anguish-and men do- I shall have only good to say of you.” -Edna St Vincent Millay

This has been the most dramatic week of my life.

I feel like I'm in an episode of gossip girl, as I watch this teeny bopper attempt to destroy everything in her path.

I've done the best I can at adapting to an "open" relationship, the truth is it was nothing I ever wanted and I've been feeling in the dark for the best way to not continue to hurt myself. The irony is, I ended up losing everything on a night I asked not to be apart of. I refuse to ever be part of something not concrete again.

made a really big decision today... I think it took a lot of thought and maturity... I think I'm growing up.

ps. After I did a rainbow came out from behind the clouds. I really don't like natural symbolism, but its really wierd

Sometimes it takes a while to realize, but they're just not that into you anymore...

http://slpgirl-newbeginnings.blogspot.com/2009/02/hes-just-not-that-into-you-quotes-from.html