It's so weird turning into an adult, I sometimes don't even know what to make of it. For example, a friend of mine a year ago, I took him to a highlighter party and I see on facebook that he got married last week. We're 21? Since when do people meet someone, get engaged, and married in one year? About 2 years ago, my then bf, thought we'd be engaged by this summer... now I can't even imagine even thinking of something like that? Everyday, I feel like I learn so much about myself, who I am and what I want to do. I can't imagine having anyone thinking they want to spend the rest of their lives with me... I mean I don't think I even know me that well, but I'm stuck with me.

They say that college is a coming-of-age period, where you learn about yourself. However, the truth is, I've learned just as much in the last six months at home, then my whole three years at USD. I've learned so much about adapting to people, families (mine and my friends), corporations, and work places. Some of my friends and my mother, think I should transfer to USF. It would actually be fairly simple and two of my best friends are coming back to Marin in the spring. However, this is conflicting because for financial reasons it would make sense to still live at home. If I did this would it be a smarter decision? Or would I be holding myself back? Is it a cop-out to stay or cop-out to go back to SD?

Things are really in a weird place for me.

Growing up is the process of learning that our parents are far from who we thought they are. We learn of our parents' sacrifices, struggles, longings and vices; as we look to them as models of who we are becoming or who we could have become. As children, we paint them as our heroes or in the best possible light, and as we gain awareness of the world around us they emerge and show what they truly are, human--flawed. Now this humanity or change of awareness, isn't necessarily a bad thing, in the case of one parent, it endears me more to them. However, in the other their "inhumanity" becomes more and more self-evident every single day. There is no lesson to be learned except whom I don't want to become. I have no desire conduct my family, like a quasibusiness deal, or to treat the ones I love under suspision that they will take from me.

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.
Buddha

Coming from a catholic education, I have learned something that I have taken very seriously, when entering into marriage the effort is to love unconditionally. Outside of a marriage as well, the foundation of all human relationships between strangers and our most intimate is love. The whole basis of christianity, which I believe has been morphed and misconstrued by ignorance is the foundation to love one another without judgment and fear. The emphasis is on not judging others, and loving your neighbor as yourself. While I'm not sure where I fall in the organized religious scale, I do take those values to heart.

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.- J. C.

Every man has his fault, and honesty is his.- William Shakespeare

Sometimes, I think maybe I am too honest. I can't conceal, who I am, how I think or how I feel. I think that being a straight shooter is both one of my biggest strengths and also one of my biggest flaws as well. I often live my life, being me, and offering some good opinions and being trust worthy. But also sometimes, I wish I knew how to conceal myself in order to gain less stress. I think sometimes I say things so truthful when I'm angry that can really be hurtful and I regret that. If I see someone doing something that I think is hurting them, I always have to share my opinion or avoid them. This is me for better or for worse and my real friends know that and still put up with me

"That's a Man" Jack Ingram

I've spent the evening listening and downloading country music. My Aunt in Kansas wrote me a card for my birthday with an itunes giftcard inside that I received today. Sometimes its much better to get gifts a month or later after your birthday, because that's when you least expect them. I believe in that... giving gifts not when its required or during the conventional times, but when you least expect it. The act of someone thinking of you when they don't have to seems to make things feel a lot more special.

One day, I hope to get flowers from a boy when I least expect it. I've actually never gotten flowers from anyone male besides my father or a prom date's corsage which seems a little past due since I've been in and out of relationships since I was 15.

Anyway, the reason I've been downloading country music is in response to the dissapointing Bob Dylan show Matt and I went to last night in Berkeley. Bob Dylan, an idol, and one of the greatest songwriters of all time was awful. Instead of a solitary lyrics driven performance, he hid behind the big band and werbled words that couldn't be comprehended. Dylan, in his Zoro hat, was completly unrecognizable and his geeky charm was masqued by his ill fitting, silver- striped black "trying far too hard to be cool" pants. Dylan, who once won the world's youth with his poignant lyrics and his guy next door flannel charm is officially no longer able to perform. Today's country music, is probably the closest thing our generation has to those who emerged in 60's and 70's rock and roll. The songs speak to the common person, with ballads and allegorys that speak to something more than parties, sex and the superficial.

sometimes I need to remember this...

"When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to, just like when they do want to, you can't stop them."
— Andy Warhol