Where the Wild Things Are

The past five months that I've returned home has been overall a very positive experience for me.  They say college is where you emerge and find who you are and where you question your boundaries. For me coming home has been both cathartic and condusive to learning about who I am and who I want to become. Since I've been home, I've really been surrounded by some of the best people, especially many people who are completely different from who I am. Those people with completely difference experiences, goals, socioeconomic backgrounds, sexual preferences and family relationships have taught me that it is the shared commonalities of hardwork, love for one another, and desire to please spans across all walks of life and all people. I know I "knew" this before, but sometimes my attempts to shelter myself from something obscure or that couldn't be categorized into my neatly arranged subcompartments of my brain were thrown by the wayside. It is the people here, one in particular, that really questioned why and how I was making my judgments about people I never got the chance to know. I have made so many friends and rekindled so many acquaintances in high school that I had never attempted to get to know,  and created this warm cozy and completely different environment from what I had at USD. 

Another thing is that I have really connected with nature. Ok, so I'm not going to go camping in the near future. But honestly, before my time here I wouldn't walk along anything but a paved road unless it was on the beach. Maisey and I have been journeying alone into the hills of Tenessessee Valley, which I hadn't even seen since I was a child and dragged out there by my parents.  The other day even, I went out with people I didn't even really know, off the beaten path at 3 am to watch the meteor shower. If you know me, I would have never ever done that six months ago. Especially with like coyotes and raccoons wandering. So I'm not the next GI Jane, but I'm really trying and adapting.  

Coming home has really taught me to question elements about my personality that are sometimes not the best. This is my desire to please everyone around me and make them happy. That has always been my goal, to be that person that everyone wants me to be. I've realized here, that while that can make me a good friend and daughter, who is that?  I lack the same kind of career goals or life goals than other people. I rarely just "do what I want" because frankly I don't really know what I want. I intend to take that question of "what do I want?" forward into the next steps of my journey.

Which brings me lastly to a really big decision I made about returning to San Diego. I am going back in January and I am living with strangers and going back to people I have barely spoken to in six months.  The thing is, I love that classes I will be taking next semester and I think that those will have a positive impact on hopefully my career futures in political science and communications. Going back is actually suprisingly the less safe choice. I could stay here and go to USF where I am fundamentally happy and all my best friends will be close and near. Here, I could live with my parents, have my meals cooked and a safe bed to sleep in. But instead, I'm challenging myself to continue what I started and be somewhat uncomfortable in order to push myself further. 

 All of this stuff came to me last night about three am when I was talking to a friend. He asked me "Do my parents have high expectations for me?". The question kind of threw me for a loop. The answer is that I set really high expectations for myself. My parents want me to be a perfect daughter, student and worker. The thing is though, that I  realized I run myself ragged trying to avoid any kindof criticism or dissaproval. I am competitive with myself in an almost detrimental way. Having someone else disaprove of me as well this week, through me for a loop and left me feeling completely helpless. I decided I needed to fix it, fix me, and make things right.  I am happy I did, and I am working each day on myself. However, the conclusion remains: Why do I care?How do I cause myself less stress?. Right now I don't know how, all I know how to be is the best I can be and when I fall short I think I'll continue to beat myself up about it. My answer to myself is mess up less.