Wearing dark glasses...

It's 3 am and tomorrow is my first day off since wednesday. Unfortunately, I have a final tomorrow in chemistry. II haven't really had restful sleep in two months. I'm stressing. Not really because of the open book exam, but I think I'm really fearful about going back to San Diego. I really haven't talked to many people there or in depth and it seems that the only people awaiting my arrival are guys. My whole openneess to the male gender is really leaning towards platonic feelings at the moment. After the last few months, I can't really imagine wanting anything with anyone else at the moment. Funny thing is, I don't think others see that from me, the whole vast void that takes place at the dinner date conversations . It's just not there for me at the moment with these new suitors but I'm not going to say that when someone is putting in the effort to care. I just go along, smile, and make up some excuse of why I have to be home that night.

Its that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see that person, thats missing. Its that one person that is there and the days you can't cry, they say anything and there are floodgates. It's either there or it isn't and it feels like a lie when you know you have those feelings for someone else when you are sitting on a date with someone who is paying for your meal. You play along and smile through your teeth and try and avoid the intruding thoughts of that someone who doesn't have those lingering feelings for you. So how do you cope? This is what you're supposed to do, fake it til you make it. Thats what everyone around me wants me to do. It makes it easier for everyone involved. Say a prayer for the pretender.