I don't just want to finish school, but I want to make sure I find the passion in my last 30 units at USD. I also wanted to step away from the situations that were causing me so much stress. This break is here to help me reflect on the things that I hold most dear, my friends, my family, my home, and my passions and ambitions that I have tended to put on the back burner for things I found more important, primarily whatever boy waltzed in and actually had no legitimate interest in me.
But what do you write in a blog? What is appropriate? In such a public domain are you able to share a piece of yourself. Am I even relevant? Who knows. Maybe this whole blogging culture is this narcissistic outlet where we put ourselves out there to make us feel like we are worthwhile, in a way, in our own world, celebrities (the more I think about it, I am embarrassed to write or start this)... but I guess I need an outlet, so I will begin.
The title of this blog comes from the opening sequence of the movie I was named after, Camille.
The movie begins with "This is the story of one of those pretty creatures who lived on the quicksands of popularity - - Marguerite Gautier, who brightened her wit with champagne - and sometimes her eyes with tears." Camille (1936) with Greta Garbo. The character, Marguerite, who is endearingly called Camille for her love of the camellia flowers. Marguerite, a courtesan, is both a beautiful and tragic figure, who "has the reputation of being one of the most extravagant girls in Paris as well as one of the most insincere... She's the kind who says one thing and thinks another." I have a tendency towards extravagance, luxury, and that which is unapologetically feminine. I love anything that has sparkles or fur. I love baroque architecture, castles, and colonial homes. When I read, I tend to read either trivia books or books with past female protagonists, whether they are classics or biographies.
I am kind of a francophile and anglophile despite my love for the US. I know the royalty and the histories of both countries and have put special emphasis on Tudor England and Marie Antoinette and Louis XIV far before they were made popular.
Speaking of which, I have had the tendency to find myself drawn to tragic figures, even before I knew of their tragic fate. My first was Judy Garland, whom I watched on a daily basis during my preschool age obsession with Wizard of Oz.
(This is also probably when I began my intense love of fashion as well, I mean who can resist red sparkly shoes) The others as mentioned earlier were Anne Boleyn, Marguerite Guatier and Marie Antoinette. I also have a love for Edie Sedgwick.
I think my love for them comes from the combination of youth, femininity, passion and their sadness that draws me to them. I have the tendency to be exhuberant, happy and optimistic, but I also have somewhat of a melancholy part of myself.
Not that I feel sorry for myself, quite the opposite actually, the sadness really comes from being so fortunate and the fears that I have of losing those who make me so happy. When you are put in a position when things seem really great, there seems to be a lot that can wrong.
My Dad, who lost his mother in a car accident, has instilled in me a real sense of our own mortality. Even when I was little, I knew that things don't always go as planned.
Especially after the losses of Nicole and John, I feel the need to extend myself out, make sure that those who I love know I love them, and try and make sure I can make a difference in others.
Which leads me to creating this blog, the purpose to capture this moment, and this instant in writing. My prayers tonight go out to those who are suffering from debilitating illness and those members of the armed services that overseas tonight.
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