the hair post

Sometimes I begin thinking about what I am going to post but have no title... so I click on my itunes and press play on random and look at the first thing I see.

Ironically, it was the "Felicity" theme song that popped up first (just as I was about to write something about an impending change of hair). As many of you know, or should know, because you should be up on late nineties wb hits is that the second season of Felicity, Kerry Russell's character Felicity chops off her hair to signify a major change in her life. Due to the awkward haircut and change in tv scheduling, Felicity lost its very high ratings but went on for another four years of a transformational college girls experience.

Tomorrow, I am dying my hair back to its natural color. For years I have been trying to lighten and upkeep this blonde persona to whom I've wanted to be since I was little. Probably, far too much Barbie in my early socialization. I learned to think, that having brown hair somehow made me less beautiful and less worthy than other pretty girls with blonde hair. Looking back, it gives me a sick feeling that at four or five years old, I thought I had to change to be worthy of love. Even in those early years, I had some intense awareness that somehow my appearance was going to determine my opportunities, not my personality or intellect. How fucked up is that?

Someone who has become very important in my life recently, called me superficial. Not really in a joking way. Like they were reading something about how superficial people like this and that do this and that, and they thought of me. Which made me think... I do have superficial tendencies that I am well aware of trust me. I mean I am writing a post about my hair...that is like the paradigm of superficiality. But do people I love really not see me as much else? Am I just smiles and sunshines? and shoes? and does my dialog sound like something I could win a daytime emmy for? I sure hope not. So who are we really? Are we who we perceive ourselves to be? Or are we how others see us? Do our own opinions of ourselves or who we want to be factor in to "who we are"?

So as I write this wordy piece of crap about dying my hair. The truth is, its for the first time since probably seventh grade I feel comfortable with who I am supposed to look like. I'm not trying to bleach away the remaining clues that I am not perfect. I came home to learn how to be comfortable with who I am ...to even get a grasp on who that is. I wanted to learn I could be independent, successful and most importantly that I can learn to like who I am without feeling like I never measure up. Maybe I am superficial, I sure hope I'm not. But hopefully this time of growth, the first time in my near 21 years that I decided to do something that no one wanted me to do (take time away from school and spend time at home), I can show that I value things besides the superficial and learn to be someone, others, myself included, can grow to love.