"Which leaves me to the question, is it safe to open ourselves up to other people? Why do we do it? Relationships almost always end badly, no matter if they end on good terms or not, to care deeply means to hurt deeply. I think our capacity to care and want to care is one of our most masochistic human traits. Everytime we open our hearts to our friends, our family, a relationship, a pet, we set ourself up for dissapointment."
It's funny how our lives become circular. Soon after I wrote that... I journied into another relationship... full of the good, the bad and the ugly. Plenty of hurt and dissapointment arose for both of us. After that, I spent the next 6-9 months avoiding anything that could get personal or develop into anything again. I shut off mentally and was more concerned with the physical or the superficial and insulated myself from anything, or anyone who could ruin my day with a few choice words. Maybe I've been a little cold, or a little reckless but it worked for me and I made the poignant effort to engage myself that way. In a way, I took on the trait of using men in my life for humor or pleasure, flattery, rides at five am, or free food. All except two. One being my father, and the other I'm sure is clear to all those who have read any previous entries. However, these actions have been proceeded with notable scrutiny. While I have attempted to keep all these "indiscretions" under codes of silence, apparently men are no longer the strong, silent types that they once were generations ago.
However, continually people continue to accuse me of being naive or falling prey to these people. I have been accused of needing that kind of approval I hate that there is a double standard of what I choose to do and what the entire population of men do or aspire to on a continual basis. Why are women always considered the victim? Why can't we be the femme fatale? How come I can't be knowledgable and self aware and instead of being possessed by the need for approval, not caring about what these people think. I am not a stupid girl, and I can read people like books, maybe sometimes you don't want to get close to someone or you don't want to choose the person who is going to care for you. Because when they care, you care and you get close... because sometimes getting close to certain people means that you are privy to their whims and whether they love you or not. Getting close to someone means that every little thing can hurt like a millions of shards of glass picked up by the wind. Getting close means that sometimes it hurts to breathe, or every spare moment of silence, the haunting reality of the love loss creeps in. Getting close and losing someone in romance or in death means that you can't evem watch a movie or listen to a song without thinking about them. Using others gives you the control to keep people at bay, the control to keep away from the heartbreak or caring about other peoples thoughts. It also acts as a distraction from the losses before or that still exist under the rubble and ruins in my core. So maybe I'm not as naive or maleable as one might think... maybe I'm just trying to build a world around me that can't fall down.
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